Are you 20 something? Ever feel like you’re still pretending to be all grown-up but not quite feeling like you belong in the adult world yet? Welcome to your 20’s- the ‘golden years’ of feeling like an imposter in your own life.
Imposter syndrome is a feeling many medical students know too well. Being almost a Doctor but not quite yet, working within a team in the hospital with other Doctors but not quite yet their colleagues for them to treat us with a bare minimum of respect (or even human decency).
Definition: Impostor syndrome (also known as impostor phenomenon, impostorism, fraud syndrome or the impostor experience) is a psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their skills, talents or accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a “fraud”. Impostor syndrome – Wikipedia. Individuals with “Impostor Syndrome” tend to suffer from a very specific self-esteem issue: The belief that they are unworthy of success. Impostor Syndrome Test (psychtests.com)
I can’t believe I turn 24 years old this year. I still feel like a teenager who happens to do ‘adult things’ like working, budgeting, buying groceries, cooking, booking appointments, etc. I have spent the last 5 years as a university student far from home. Student life has been me pretending to be an adult while at varsity and then trying to revert back to being a child again in my parents house over the holidays.
I feel like an imposter in my own home, fearing my parents will find out that I’m not their child anymore because I’m 5 years older than the high school child who left home, grown and forced to mature faster to be able to survive on my own in a big city, forced to mature to be able to take on all my patients problems and see all that we have seen at such a young age: suffering (most of which in our context could have been prevented), death, and so much more. I feel like an imposter in public, trying to be taken seriously as an adult, but still being dependent on my parents, and lacking enough life experience to be seen as an equal. I feel like an imposter as a student doctor, pretending to be a doctor, but not having the knowledge, accolades and experience to be respected as a colleague or be seen as anything more than a little soft-spoken girl in a whitecoat by my patients.
So many of the 20 somethings I know have expressed feeling the same way whether as a student, a working person, a parent. The feeling of pretending to be but deep down not feeling quite like they belong yet, not quite feeling deserving or good enough yet. The fear of someone finding out that they’re not quite ready yet and stripping them of their titles and achievements thus far.
When will this feeling ever go away? In less than a year, I’m going to have to be morphed into the role of being an intern Doctor, and I don’t feel near ready for the responsibility and even the respect that comes with that title. This entire year so far people have been telling me what they expect me to be because next year I’ll be the Doctor in charge of people’s lives. These high expectations give me so much anxiety. I feel overwhelmed. I’m constantly in survival mode, just trying to get through this year and hoping by the time I officially graduate, I’ll be ready. But what do I do in the meantime? How do I get to that point of feeling ready?
This run has been long, and 5.5/6 years in, I am exhausted. I work the same shifts as the employed Doctors yet I am still a student with the responsibility of studying for and passing exams. At this point some may be sprinting, running, even walking, but I feel like I’m crawling to the finish line. Some may run gloriously across that ribbon with their arms up high, but at this point, all my high expectations aside, I will be grateful to just cross the finish line in one piece, with some of myself still preserved before I start the next marathon of my career. I kneel down with my hands together and head bowed, grateful to have made it thus far, and pray desperately just to make it to the end of this year. This is such an important end, but an even greater beginning- the opening to the door to my career and life as an independent adult woman.
Words could never describe the experiences of the past five and a half years and all the ups/downs in this career path specifically. Maybe one day I’ll try and lay it down in some sensible way, but for now I just don’t even think I have the emotional capacity to reflect. See, when you’re still fighting and struggling, you don’t have the time or the energy to really sit and look back. This is why I haven’t been able to sit and write this year or even really spare a day to just think and feel- just thinking about it overwhelms me and I can’t afford to get stuck in a loop of my own thoughts and feelings, I can’t afford to sink, not now, not when I’m so close. That’s the frightening part, being so close but not quite getting there. I’ve had so many experiences in the past of almost achieving something great but just missing it, and I must say, it’s probably the most heart-sinking, humiliating experiences I’ve had. I don’t want it to happen again. For once, I want to achieve something amazing, something my A type/ perfectionist personality will finally be satisfied with. Something that will prove that I’m undoubtedly worthy.
This takes me back to the words in the definition of imposter syndrome: “doubt” “fear” “unworthy” “self-esteem issue”. Imposter Syndrome is real. I feel like I’m stuck in blurry, grey area, trying to reach a clearer point in my life. But, how do I get there?
I have spent weeks trying to finish this last part to evoke some hope, but I really don’t know how to fabricate all that I have mentioned and tie it up in a nice pretty bow. Any ideas? Well, as my class says, “WE MOVE”. That’s just it isn’t it, you just have to push forward, you just have to get it done. Sometimes I look back and I can’t remember how I got through some tough times but somehow, through God’s grace, I did. So, right now, SOMEHOW we will get to the end. No matter what your goal is, whether it’s a degree or a feeling of contentment in an area of your life, you will get there. Some important advice I’ve received from a senior Doctor is “in whatever you do just be confident, even if you don’t know what to do just act confident as if you do know”. Basically, force confidence until you start believing you are, until you start believing in yourself. Once we believe in ourselves, we will finally become what we have aimed to be. Imposter Syndrome is an internal battle won by believing in ourselves and living our truths rather than our fears.
Take care of yourself and stay safe. Don’t feel guilty for spending extra time on self-care, you always deserve it, even if it wasn’t on your to-do list for the day 🙂
Thoughts of a Growing Woman 