The idea of the ideal self- the best version of ourselves, the future version of ourselves. The idea that who we are right now is not good enough, and that we can be better- be perfect. Unfortunately, we live in a time where we are constantly told what to do and how to be, to be ‘perfect’.
The world of social media sells us fake versions of people who we compare ourselves to. This creates unrealistic expectations of ourselves to look perfect (according to set beauty standards), be wealthy (live in mansions, travel, wear expensive clothes), live “well” (organic foods, specific diets),show the best of ourselves only and attain all our goals at the highest level and in the shortest amount of time possible. The fast life of ‘be rich young, retire early, and then do whatever you want’. We are constantly being told what to do and how to be the right person and live the right life- and it’s never who we are or what we are doing right now. We are rewarded for complying with the set standards by the positive feedback we get from people via likes, comments, followers and views. This sets off the reward pathway in our brain and affects our subconscious processing of the world around us and our place in it.
Subconsciously, this feeds into the idea of our ideal selves- who we think we should be to be the best versions of ourselves, a version of ourselves that we (and others) can love and accept, a version of ourselves where we are successful, happy and fulfilled, where we are finally at peace with who we are and all that we’ve done. We dream of a place out of the shadow and into the light- our own light.
I always feel like the shadow of my ideal self. I feel like a resemblance of her that is distorted and underachieving. My ideal self is: strong, confident, purposeful, excellent at everything she does, highly intelligent, multilingual, kind, compassionate, powerful, extremely disciplined and determined, a leader and an inspiration. She’s perfect- all the time. I always aim to be that version of me in the future, but I never match up, I’m either too fat, too lazy, too kind, too harsh… Almost, but never achieving excellence (according to my own standards). I feel like the girl who was almost great, who almost made it, but didn’t. And my experiences (the ones I choose to focus on) reinforce this idea to me, strengthening neural pathways of regret, self-doubt and fear of failure. Low self confidence manifests from this sort of thinking, which breeds underachievement and the vicious cycle continues.
We are so goal orientated that we do not appreciate the process. The process is where the wealth of experience lies, and where we spend most of our lives in. We will always be in the process of attaining some goal, once we reach one we aim for the next. Attaining a goal is glorious but that feeling of happiness only lasts for a short while. We hold onto those moments of happiness and think that we can only be happy in the future when we attain all our goals and if we don’t we’ll live a life of disappointment. We forget that we can be happy right now, during the process. The process is our lives, our present. Who we are right now, what we’re doing right now.
We often don’t live in the present, we either dwell on how horrible the past was or how perfect the future will be, but it does not have to be that way, we can change the way we think about our lives. Through meditations I have learnt the power of firstly realizing and being aware of the present, and secondly, appreciating the present moment. It can be such an empowering experience. In the present we can be kinder to ourselves and be grateful. We can find a sense of relief from the shackles of our past and the goals we tie ourselves to.
We are always looking towards the future. As humans, we are driven by hope, towards prolonging and improving life. We look forward, but that does not mean our eyes have to be fixed on the end result. We can look forward to the destination while enjoying the journey. It is similar to running a long distance run, what makes it easier to pass each kilometre is being aware of what’s going on around you during the run, and not fixating on how far you still have to go before the finish line. Being in the present is not being stuck or oblivious, it is living life as it is, the reality of life rather than life as we imagine it to be. It is being who we are, not as who we were or should be, but rather just as we are right now and working on who we are day by day. It’s not easy living in the present, it requires conscious effort and skill development.
Patience and mental strength are some of the skills we could benefit from and it takes a great amount of self-discipline to consistently improve these skills. Virtues such as these and a shift in our thinking will manifest self confidence, self love and acceptance, which will ultimately breed success- not according to any set standard but according to what is important to us and the fulfilment of purpose that we experience.
So then, let us be kinder to ourselves. May we be safe, may we be happy and may we find peace- right now. Let us live as we are in this present moment and continuously improve ourselves from a place of kindness, love and compassion towards ourselves. There is no ideal version of ourselves. There is no ideal life to live. There is only who we are and the life we are living. The more we accept this for ourselves and the kinder we are to ourselves, we can then be more understanding and kinder to each other.
Thank you for your time. Feel free to discuss in the comments.
Mischka Poonasamy
Thoughts of a Growing Woman 